Just getting there

Ok so I know I am way overdo of a blog posting. Here I am. Months later. WOW! Where do I start? There have been so many changes. So many things are falling into place and I am starting to feel happy. That is what I need most. It took me a long while to get where I am today. I am so proud of myself. I am a work in progress.

Beginning with the latest life news. . .We moved into the white house posted in September 2012. We have been here about 6 months. There are pros and cons here most definently. That will come at a later time. I am still working at SAMC as a PCA. I hate it. Some days are good, but most days really suck. We are under staffed and they expect way to much of us. My job is VERY rewarding though. I will get to that. Hmmmmm, what else? Josh is completely out of the picture THANK GOD! Maybe he realized I am finally serious about never giving him another chance to fuck up what I have. Moving on. I love my friends at work. All of them. I never want them to go away. They all bring me happiness, which is something I gravitate towards. I call them my hospital family. I did meet someone recently, nothing real serious. He is just a friend. He may become more, only time will tell. J See I told you life is getting better. TJ still rejects Noah. L But what can I say he doesn’t deserve that precious little face to even look at. Mother is well. Isaiah is really growing up into a young man. I am so proud of him. He is a handful but I love him to death. Ok so that’s enough catching up. Into the details of it all.

Here we gooooo. . . .

Let’s start happy. Friends. I love them all. Ha Ha. Even though most of them are from work and we hang out rarely outside of work I still enjoy seeing them every day and chatting. My sister/best friend of all time, Shanna. I miss her. Hopefully I can go visit her and the family soon. Jami is in Arizona. I don’t talk to her as much but I miss her soooo much. I miss our crazy baby outings, her spontaneous ways and learning so much from her. She is my opposite piece of me. I can’t live without her. Love you guys!

Work! UGH!!! It is sooo exhausting, mentally and physically. Though it is so rewarding to taking care of helpless people I really need to find a different job soon. Things are being taken lightly about our workload and it is only getting worse. I don’t paid enough as it is. I love my patients though. I could talk about them all day. I miss them when I am not at work. I tend to get close to people quickly. I guess I am a lover. Lol Imagine that! It’s hard watching them fall apart and pass away. It breaks my heart every time. My job makes me really wish I could of known my grandmother. I miss my grandpa. I have learned that I have so much compassion for the elderly. People in general really. I care. I see these patients and their families just waiting for the doctors to bring them good news, which some of them get, but it’s not often. I have to tell a story. . .I have a patient who is mentally ill. He is the same age as my mother. I use to be really distant from this patient when they first came to the floor. I wouldn’t go in his room. It was just to much for me to handle. He has a lot of medical issues and he was in restraints. Things went bad for him. He died. Came back 15 minutes later brain dead. Well, a quarter of him is brain dead. He lost all his capabilities to ever walk again, move his arms, feed himself, bathe himself. I have watched this man deteriorate for 9 weeks. When this man was stable enough to return to my floor he was assigned to be my patient. I am now so close to him. And he holds a special spot in my heart. I have fallen in love with his little blank stare. I have cared for him, comforted him, bathed him. If I am not assigned to him certain days I still check on him. He opens those pretty blue eyes so big when he see’s me. He is now finally talking barely. It is almost time for him to go home. There is not much else the doctors can do but with therapy he gets better. Of course he still has bad days but he hangs in there. He is making a difference. This man has a purpose in life. I don’t care what people say. Brain dead or not, if there is a will there is a way. I thank God for this man being able to make a difference in my life. I have my job for a reason. I don’t really know the exact reason. The more and more I work I grow more compassionate. I am sorry for the long story but I am trying to make a point here. Love your friends and family. Everyone has a reason for still living. We haven’t completed our mission in the world. And don’t take anyone for granted.

Next subject. . .Noah! He is just a babbling away. Talking, talking, talking. He is sooooo close to walking. He can so do it but he is just so stubborn. He does more when you are not looking. He can take a few steps. He is on his 2^nd set of tubes. Dr Nunally said he isn’t sure he wants to put another set in. Noah has water trapped in his ears. So we are finishing meds and going back to see the doc. I am really disappointed in him not being able to get the proper hearing test. There is a big ordeal with them wanting to put him in the booth for a hearing test all because of his age. All children are different. You can’t test every child the same way. When will these people fucking listen? Anyways, Noah is still getting all 3 therapies. He finally got his SMO’s and I have to say they work wonders. AND! He can’t take his shoes off with them on, hahaha!! Happy mommy moments. Lol. Noah has become really attached to his grandma. She still watches him every day while I work and she is tired. But he seems attached to her hip even when I come to pick him up. He has something I never had. So it just makes me so happy he has her.

So. . .me! Hmm! What to say about me? I have become almost whole. I am mentally ready for a new relationship. I am completely over Josh for good. It’s been 7 months. I am doing really well. I have stayed busy and occupied my mind with other good things. I have focused on Noah and myself. Most of all, myself. Becoming a whole person is hard. It takes time, thought, and processing. My relationship with Josh has made me a really selfish person. For now, I need to be. It is time to be selfish. I took care of him and tried to make him happy. I always take care of everyone else and their problems but now it is my turn. I have realized I am the only person that can make me happy. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone to. I need to know how to satisfy myself mentally. Noah is my priority. But even with him I have been selfish. It doesn’t always feel quite right but it is part of my healing process. I notice it. I have been unhappy for a long time. I look in all the wrong places. So I changed. I am selfish. More selfish than I have ever been. I have to focus on me and make me happy to be a better mother to Noah. I need time. I need space. I am healing. For the past 5 ½ years, I have been unhappy and with the wrong people. I have been used and abused. Screw those people. I don’t need them. I have learned a lot. And time heals all wounds. Time out of a relationship. It’s been nice. I feel free. I can come and go as I please. No one is there to tell me how to live day to day. I am free. Being said that. I did meet someone. But like I said it is nothing serious. Patience is everything I need to make any relationship work and its critical in a relationship. Tonight I realized all my relationships were rushed. Especially mine and TJ’s. And I hate that. If we wouldn’t have rushed it I probably would have never married him and I wouldn’t of had Noah. I am not saying I regret TJ being my husband or having Noah but TJ and I were completely different people. It would of never worked. I have missed out on a lot. I realize that. I am picking myself up and dealing with it. I must move on. So rushing isn’t a good idea. In other news, lol I start school again very soon. I took a semester off because I wasn’t doing to well at all. And I didn’t want to damage my gpa anymore. I have enjoyed my break. It was much needed. Ok enough of the rambling.

I recently had an EGD and colonoscopy. Multiple ulcers were found on my stomach and duodenum. I also tested positive for H. Pylori. So I am taking about 5000mg of meds a day. It makes me sick. I also had an abnormal pap smear come back with precancerous cells on my cervix. I guess this explains all the pain I have been in

Ok I will finish this another time, gotta go