So work has been crazy. Lots of childish drama. I am hoping it will pass. It will, I guess it just takes time. Things are moving forward. Also, we moved into a new apartment. Yay! We are finally out of government housing. Step one is complete. Haha!
Even though I have completed this one step I sometimes feel a little scared of it not being enough, or failing. I know I can live on mine and Noah's income. I just get scared. I am living on the edge of my possibilities. I have to admit I am afraid of change. I hate change and I don't do well with it. I fear ending up where my ex told me I would, Noah's dad. Even though I care nothing for him, his words stick in my head. I keep hearing him tell me I can't do it on my own. But at the same time I tell myself I can. And I go back and forth. I fear the worst in everything. I know the good Lord is taking care and watching over me but sometimes I still feel the least bit scared. What if I lose my job or have to quit for some reason? I can't quit. But what if something happens? I keep having this feeling that Noah has something wrong, like really wrong with him. With his heart. I am so scared I will just lose him all the sudden one day. I don't know why I feel this way but it scares me to death. I don't know what I would do. I would lose my mind. He is my world. My everything. He is the reason my life is the way it is. I just pray and pray that God keeps him healthy.
I think every mother worries about her children. I just don't want anything to push or pull me backwards. I am moving forwards. I have never came this far on my own so this is all new to me. And I think I have the right to be a little scared.
So I had my first break down the other day. The first real break down. The break down of a single mom. I try so hard. I try so so hard! I want to be the best mom I could ever be to Noah and I am so hard on myself. I want to work and make a living for us. I want nice things for him, and myself too. I want to spend time with him. I work so much. I work almost every single day. Yea it's only part time but I am not use to being away from him every single day. It's really hard on me. I feel like I can't work with him as I should be, because I am working. And I want to spend time with him. I want to give him more attention that I can, or that I am. But I can't because I have to work. Working is just plain hard. I hate it. But it's something that I, as a mother have to do.
I think of my childhood. I think about how it was. The way I felt. The way my brother felt. I think about the things I had. I think about my mom. She tried. But she tried as much as she wanted to. Something took over her life. She was the best mother she thought to be. I want Noah to have a better childhood than I did. I want him to have things and be proud. I want him to be proud of me. I won't allow anything less than he deserves. I am battling one of the most toughest decisions of my life right now. I won't say exactly what but I pray that God heals those sick. I grew up without out a father, hardly a mother, and without grandparents ever really there. I hate Noah may have to grow up without any of these. Yes he has me. But I just wish he had the others as well. It is their choice. Not mine. I am a great mother to my son and thanks to my mom for that. She has really shown me what I should and should not do
On to the next subject. . .Noah. Man he lights up my world! :) He is so close to walking. I can't wait. Seven more weeks and he will be 2 years old. It's crazy how fast time flies by. I remember the day, the night I went to the hospital. It seems like it was yesterday. He has come so far. And he only keeps coming farther and farther. I am so proud of him!
My next blog will be an update from the Down Syndrome Clinic. We have an appt next week. I am excited to see what Dr. Khatri has to say about my little man.
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