So I found out September 15, 2009 that I was prego!! Yay! Being the person I am, I have wanted a baby since I was a little girl. I just couldn't wait! I love babies! So I was happy. . .I was still on the fence about this separation thing with T.J. and he was slowly trying to nuzzle his way through our separated life to end in an abortion. He bribed me with money of course. If I got an abortion, I would not be in debt. And I seriously considered this BUT I sought to God and I prayed and prayed. I had never prayed so much in my life. As you can see Noah is here now. I look at Noah everyday and sometimes I wonder, How could I have ever even thought about doing such a thing to my beautiful child? I have NEVER believed in abortions! I strongly believe that if a child is put in your life then there is a reason for it. God makes a child for a reason. Not to be destroyed.
So I got my first ultrasound and got to hear the most amazing sound, his heartbeat! I was so happy. I immediately grew a huge smile and thought NO WAY CAN I GIVE THIS UP! So I didn't. I would have to say my mother has been my biggest supporter through out the whole time. Thanks mom! It means a lot! I couldn't of done it without you. Love you, xoxo. So many people told me over and over again that I was to young to have a baby much less go through a divorce at the same time. But you know what?! I did it! I never had a doubt it my mind. I do have to add I was losing weight due to depression. I couldn't eat for a month. I lost 15 lbs.
Thirteen horrible weeks later ( I say this because the first trimester was the roughest for me) I felt much better. I was healthy, the baby was healthy. I was becoming to be okay with my life and what was going on. I needed to accept that T.J. and I were done, for good! I did meet someone and I have to admit I did use him but just as much as he used me. His name was Josh. He helped me get over T.J. I know this isn't the way you should get over anyone but I did and I don't regret it. Josh was there for me emotionally through my WHOLE pregnancy and I mean the WHOLE thing. I could talk to him. I will explain things about this at a later time, just know we weren't meant to be and are no longer together but lasted a whole year and a half. So. . .thirteen weeks into my pregnancy I was feeling so much better. I had a doctor's appointment and was asked if I wanted to have the optional AFP screening done. This tests the chance of you having a baby with any kind of deformity like cleft palate, cerebral palsy, or down syndrome. Being that I had a little brother born with Down Syndrome about 6 years previous I said of course! I highly doubted that it would come back positive. Though subconsciously I was so so worried! But I put it in the back of my mind and just told myself, no way. We don't have a history of it in my family and God won't put me through that.
What was I thinking?! Someone should have hit me with a brick. A few weeks later I received a phone call. . .so worried and anxious I asked what the results were. She said it came back positive for Down Syndrome. I was such in shock I didn't know what to say, ask, I didn't know if I was suppose to breath or cry. I didn't know. Then she told me my chances were 1 in 100, most people's are more like 1 in 1000. I did cry. I didn't know what to think or say. I spent the next few weeks worrying over this and thinking of so many what if's. So I turned to God once again. After all this confusion I finally told myself so what if he has it! SO WHAT!! I don't care. I still loved him and I still wanted to see his little face and hug and kiss him. The doctor's gave me multiple ultrasound's quite frequently after this and tried to talk me into getting an amnio, which I totally went against. There was no way they were sticking a HUGE needle in my stomach. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. I stuck to my gut feeling and listened to what God was wanting me to hear. SO WHAT! SO WHAT IF MY SON HAS DOWN SYNDROME! I still want him!
Week 36 came and went and I kept telling a friend of mine he will be born on April 20th, just watch! My due date was ranging somewhere between May 6-12. But I knew they were wrong. I was farther than they calculated. I remembered when we conceived. I use to write these things down.
Week 38 came - April 20th on the dot! At 2:00am my water broke, I woke up and we rushed to the hospital. I was having contractions back to back every 5 min. and they were getting stronger. The nurses ended up giving me pitocin because I wasn't dilating like I should have. I was only at 2.5 cm. By 9:00am I was still having contractions and only dilated to 3cm. They increased my pitocin once again and I was having contractions off the charts, every 2 min. I could hardly catch my breathe. I could not breathe! They strapped the oxygen mask on me and inserted a catheter as well as an internal monitor to monitor the baby because he kept moving and we wanted to keep an eye on him. A few more hours went by and I was begging for that epidural!! I wanted to do it natural but I just didn't have the guts. I was in so much pain. I just wanted him out!!! I almost asked for a c-section. So an hour later they came to give me my epidural and asked my mom to leave the room. They said they couldn't have anyone in there for some reason. Anyways. . .the epidural felt sooo good! Such a relief! THANK YOU GOD FOR DOCTORS!! haha. . .my mom went down to smoke a cigarette and less then 5 min. later I was going in and out. They were going to lose the baby and I. Our heart rates had dropped unbelievably low and all I remember was about 10 nurses swarming around me and being ran down the hall and into the operation room. I kept blacking out and coming back. I was trying to fight it so bad. Something was wrong! Something was terribly wrong! They numbed me, and a blue sheet flew over my stomach. There was a male nurse to the left of me by my head and once they cut me open my arms flew over and I grabbed him and I begged him to help me!! I FELT THEM CUT ME OPEN!! I was crying and screaming to the top of my lungs. I kept asking where my mom was. She was no where to be found. The nurses kept asking me if I could feel it and I said yes! Next thing I know. . .the baby is gone, I was seeing pac-man in my head and I was in another room, all sewed up like nothing happened. Of course I was drugged up. I asked where my baby was repetitively and my mom was there, she kept telling me the nurses have him. I kept asking if he was ok and I wanted to see him. I was literally begging for him. Then I asked my mom if he had Down Syndrome, my mom looked at me and said yes he does.
It sunk in from there on, it hit me. My son has Down Syndrome. I felt sad and lonely. I still wanted to see him and hold him. I wanted to be close to him. They brought him to me after I wasn't so drugged up anymore and I stared at him. I thought for a split second, this is not my child. I don't want him to have Down Syndrome. I thought Down Syndrome was an ugly thing. Then he opened his eyes and smiled at me, my heart melted! I loved him! He was so beautiful! How can this be?! I am lucky to have a child at all. And he is healthy! I never thought again that I didn't want Noah to have Down Syndrome, I love him the way he is. Yes I still wonder how he would be without it but you know what?! He is beautiful inside and out just the way he is. I wouldn't have it any other way. God made him this way for a reason. He was born to me for a reason. And he is my angel, my son, my rock that keeps me striving for a better life, and my Noah! All mine!
For the people that don't know about Noah's father I will just say this. . .he has never and I mean never ever wanted Noah to be a part of his life. He did come and hold Noah for not even 5 min after he was born but he has not seen him since. Except for when we went to court for divorce in January 2011. He demanded a DNA test, which he paid for and it came back 99.8% that Noah was his. I love Noah and I can't understand how a man, a person can totally imagine life without his own son. His own flesh and blood. He is truly a gift from God and missing out. And it's his fault. No one else's. He will not pay child support. He gave up his right's to Noah. He has said horrible and I mean horrible things about Noah. For no reason at all. He can't be a man and stand up and say this is my son. He tells people he doesn't have kids at all. He makes me sick and he is a disgrace to man kind. All I know is. . .one day. . .he will have to answer to the one almighty God.
Thanks for reading. . .Noah is awake from his nap so I have to run.
No comments:
Post a Comment