Until he sleeps. . . .

Blogging has been on my mind so much lately but it seems I have little time for it most days. Noah is fighting his sleep tonight so I should occupy my time with this until I can go to sleep. Btw Gators and Bama are playing right now. . .24-10. Who do you think is winning?!! Of course Bama, ugh! This is lame.


So I recently got accepted into Wallace Community College. I was trying so hard to meet the deadline for the LPN program but turns out I missed the testing date by 1 day. . .this is was such a disappointment to me. So I guess this means I have to change my plans. I am thinking since I already have my ducks in a row I can apply next semester and totally get in easily being I have more time to test and study. This just means I will be HAVING to find a job as soon as possible. My program at CTU (the school I am currently going to) is ending in December. I will have an Associate's degree in Health Administration!! I am so excited, there aren't words to explain it. I will officially be a college graduate!! GO ME! Btw, Noah still is awake and it's 9:30. His bedtime was at 8:00.


I am exhausted. . .I feel like we have been going and going for days. I just want a day to sleep all day and I will be back to normal. I am so use to getting so much sleep and now that Noah is growing and eating more I feel like I am sort of dragging. Things will be better soon! I am staying positive.


So. . .it has been 4 mths and I have not received any sort of child support. I am becoming very angry because of this. I would be able to buy Noah clothes and take him to do more things if this loser would just pay. But he won't. He would rather sit in jail and receive felony charges for not obeying a court order and just paying. By the way. . .just for the people that don't know, he has impregnated 3 other woman and has yet to be any kind of father. Two of the woman had abortions. The other, Ashley, is due this month. Noah will have a brother soon, Brayden Lee. He is going to be Noah's first brother. Ashley and I are making it a point to have these boys be a part of each other's lives. I feel like I am doing the right thing. I never had a "real" father figure in my life at all. Matter of fact, I don't even know who my father is. So this makes it worse for me to watch my son grow up the same way. . .in the sense that he won't know TJ. I think it is for the best but he may still wonder and sometimes may not understand. My heart aches because of this. I definently know the feeling. This is one reason why I wish I was married and had a relationship with a good man. He needs a father figure.


I need/want a husband as well. I have been out of any kind of relationship for a good 5 months now. I know what I want finally and won't settle for anything less than I deserve. I have done that to many times. I want a man to stick by me through thick and thin and love me the way I love him. I have always fallen for guys very easily but for the wrong reasons so I want to do it the right way this time. I need a man to have certain personal values and care about my feelings. This should be constant as well. Most men boys I have been with act one way when we first start out but as the years go on the caring about me or my feelings lessen and it should not be this way. I am the type of woman that will go completely out of my way to make someone else happy but only if they don't take advantage of it. I want to be appreciated just like anyone else. So after being single for about 5 months I have been able to really think about just not what I want but the things I need in a man/husband. I have came to the point though where I am really starting to get lonely, especially at night. I miss being able to bond emotionally with a man. Not physically but mentally. 


I have recently gained a couple of really great friends. These people have really filled some of my loneliness. I have prayed and prayed for some real friends to actually become a part of my life and God has really gave me great opportunities for this. Thanks Jami and Melissa! You both mean the world to me! And even in a short amount of time we are so unbelievably close. I really love you both! I feel like I can tell you almost ANYTHING! And I feel a sense of realness with you both. You are both amazing people and are great friends. Thanks for being there! xoxo. . .ok enough of the sappy stuff. LOL! 


But I still feel this loneliness after I am home for awhile. . .I am realizing I have no one to tell how my day went or how my weekend went. I miss coming home to someone. I have Noah but he already knows, he was with me. And I need something more than he can give me. A different type of love. The love every woman desires. It makes me sad and depressed but I have to keep thinking positively. Maybe it's just not time. It's just hard to really press this into my thick head being I want it so badly. I have become very picky on the type of man I will settle with though so there is no desperate attempts in the making. lol! I promise!


I just keep praying God fills my emptiness when the time is right. For now. . .I am going to bed though. Little man is fast asleep in his jumperoo :) Night Night!