So I haven't blogged in a good month and a half. . .why? Oh I don't know. I have had a lot going on. My head just spins. I want to write but I am just not motivated. I am not very motivated for anything right now. Today is just not a good day. I feel alone in my world. I don't understand a lot of things. I feel like banging my head on one of the hard, cold, cement walls in my house. The walls are so ugly. I hate my walls. I hate my house. But why? Why do I hate it? Why isn't it good enough? Why do I always want more? I am never satisfied. I feel empty. Why?! I don't know. I have so much. I have more than some people. It's November. . .I think what am I thankful for? I am thankful for a lot in my life. I am just not satisfied. I want more. I am like a cat with a string hanging in front of me swinging back in forth but my hands are tied behind me. I feel stuck in a world I can't remove myself from. Why did this happen to me? Why am I here in this position? I want to jump and take chances but something is holding me back and I can't see it. Why do I feel like this? I pray and ask God to help me but it seems it only works for a few months and then I slip and fall again. And it takes a lot to lift me back up to where I was. I was happy, I was kind of content, I was proud. . .or was I? Was I lying to myself and everyone else? I don't know. . . .
All I know is I am so unbelievably proud of my son. I am so thankful I have him. He really is my rock, the one I keep pushing forward for. I would be no where without him. Thank you God for him! I know I have a house, a car, my mom, my little man, and the things I need to just barely get me by. Thank you God for making things possible for me. I am just sad I guess. I am not satisfied. I am breaking.
I want more. I want someone to call my husband. I want more kids. I want my own family. Why can't I have that? Why does it seem impossible? I know. . .wait and be patient and God will send me one of those knights in shining armor ONE DAY. But what if one day is to long? Patience is a virtue.
There is this guy. . .my heart opens to him. I feel happy and secure. I can tell him anything. I can't help but smile when he smiles. He is everything I want in a man. I want nothing more to just hug him. I can't though. It's difficult and complicated. He has a life somewhere else. I gave up on him once. I feel like I have an opportunity but then I might lose everything else. So I am stuck. I am confused. I hate it. Do I just say forget it and move on and wonder about him like I have for the past 10 years? Or do I say screw it and just jump? Possibly losing or possibly winning. I don't know.
I am graduating college next month. I feel happy but insecure about this. I feel it has got me no where. I feel like it was a waste of time. I can't find a job. I have been searching for 3 months. I don't want to settle. I am tired of settling. But I haven't had one offer. I want to give up. Things are just not working out. I am sad. I am breaking. School loans will end and I will have no income except a small SSI check to cover most but not all of my bills. What am I going to do? My ex husband won't pay child support. He refuses to find a job and support his son in any way so I am forced to put everything on my shoulders. It's wearing my down though. I can't do it much longer. I need help. But I don't want help. I need a job. I am to the point that I am going to accept anything, job wise.
Why can't I just say screw life? Why can't I just quit? I am tired of trying and trying and getting no where. All of my friends are married and moving forward in their lives. I am not. I am stuck. I live with a disease, no one knows but my close family, and 1 or 2 friends. I can't tell people. People won't accept me. I feel like I have done wrong. But I don't deserve this. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Why me?! It's ok. Someone will love me ONE DAY. It sucks. Maybe ONE DAY will come. Maybe it won't. Maybe I will have to settle to have more kids and a family of my own. I am just confused. Why can't someone just love me for me and and not for what I have or don't have? Why can't I be accepted? Why are people so hateful? Why are people so judgemental?
ONE DAY I will have it all. A nice house, more kids, a husband to treat me the way I need to be treated, a dog, and a good job. Is this to much to ask for? I am uncertain of my future and it scares me. I am scared to be alone. I want my son to have a father. It hurts me. I want him to have a father. I want a husband. ONE DAY! : /
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