Something New

Where do I begin? It’s been over a year since I posted and to much has changed. I have transformed. My life is a complete different life. The life of a single mommy to two amazing little boys. . . .I do have to add I am dating a new man J

So to start back and just sum up some of the major events. . .

11. Jason and I broke up roughly about 6 mths prego. It just wasn’t working out and once again he wasn’t pulling his own weight. Through pregnancy and working full-time and him not working. . .eh I had enough.

22. I moved into a town house.

33. Ryan was born 5/1/2014. I will post his birth story soon enough.

44. Jason and I tried to work it out again but that didn’t last long.                                         

I 5. I moved into a new house.

66.  I got a new job.

77.   I got a new car (mom-mobile). . . .I am a mini van mom hahaha!!

88.    Child support crap began

99.  Met a new man in my life

110. Ryan started daycare

A typical day these days consists of me waking up bright and early before my kiddos and getting ready for a long day at the office (I work at Nationwide Insurance now.) Taking Noah to school (He’s in kindergarten now OMG!) and Ryan to Ashford Christian then off to work I go. I do love my eventual runs through Tropical Smoothie or a quick frozen/ice coffee. That always tends to make my days even better.

So a working mom. . .life is tough. Not everything goes as I want it to. There is ALWAYS something troublesome happening that I have to deal with. Whether it be something with oen of the kids, bills, myself, work, appointments, the house, or the car.

I have hit a roadblock I do believe. I want to become better and have an actual career and it seems nothing I do is getting me there. I have absolutely no direction at all. I have no idea what I want to do. All I know is I want to make a decent living to be able to buy the things I need and my kids need. Right now we are barely surviving. It really sucks. I am trying to figure out how to get out of this hole.

I do work part-time catering for events at KBC but it barely covers childcare. So I have to figure something out and I am afraid school is not an option at this point. Would you call this a midlife crisis?!!? Hell if I know. Maybe I am to young or not far enough into life to even call it that.

Anyways. . .I am doing some soul searching.

Well, I need to focus my attention on a very handsome little man now. We are both home sick. Talk soon! I attached pictures of my very recent loves of my life. :)

Maybe a little

Real quick posting. . .I have gained 5 lbs! Ugh! It begins. Throughout all the neausea I have absolutely NO idea how I have gained weight. I have started throwing up a little bit but only after something catches my horrific gag reflex. Geez! Talk about the worst time brushing those pearly whites! And finding out you have more food aversions than you thought. Oh well! I must learn more. Baby is moving, mostly at nights. I have to say it is my favorite! I can’t express what I love more. Lol. That made no sense, but hey who cares. I am a mom, been up since 6am this morning and I am EXHAUSTED!

Noah had surgery this morning. New tubes! Go us! I always love being able to communicate with him after he gets new tubes. He is so expressive and understands me better. I know he hears so well right now. His right ear (the only good hearing ear) was filled with fluid. Our amazing Dr Nunnally drained it all out and removed the crusty wax stuck in his left ear. The old tubes were stuck in his ear canals. Those tiny ears of his! Ugh! But so darling. He did amazing though. Some bloody drainage, but that’s normal. He’s def my little trooper. Love him.

Well my time is about up. The boys ran to the store to buy some much needed items for the house. See ya later gator!

Mini selves

So since my last post was a little hard to read I will make this one super easy. Is this better?

A little update on the most adorable guy in my life. . .have I ever mentioned the fact that he is so genius, handsome, always happy, very easily amused, and the best cuddler EVER!! If not, you’ve been missing out. Like every mother, I feel to this day how I possibly made such a beautiful creature. Inside and out, he is magnificent and perfect in his own ways. He brings light to my dark days. He is progressing so well. I am so proud of him. He’s such a smart little guy. Truly genius. He just walks around the house talking in his cute little jibberish. I wish I knew half of what he was saying. He mimicks everything and I can’t even describe how much he loves Jason. He’s such a little person in this little body, so innocent and happy. Ah! That smile! He’s doing great in preschool, meeting new friends. Daycare is ending for now since this mommy will be at home for now on till the new baby is here.

OOOOOhhhhhh. . . .that NEW baby. It’s tiny little heart deep within my own mommy making machine is just pumping away. 133 bpm was the last recording and the first ultrasound. Such a strong little beat in a wee little body. I’m inlove already. Despite all the nausea, headaches, exhaustion, and pure feeling that I am just inadequate I love every bit of being pregnant. Jason would say I left out something, my 3 different moods. I call it being tripolar all in one day. Hey it works! For me anyways. Somedays I do feel a bit crazy but what pregnant mommy doesn’t, right? New meds for this mommy and just gaining weight for now on.

My next post should go something like. . . .i’ve gained __ lbs, lol. Maybe. Okie dokie folks. Just a short post. Talk later, don’t miss me to much.

A new addition to the Family

Sooooo guess what?!?!?!?!? This girl right here is PREGO!! Don’t let that hit you in the face to hard but it’s true and I am so excited it’s unreal. I am really hoping this ones a girl. . . .BUT if not then I guess I will be okay with another boy. Jason is going to be the worlds best dad yippee!! He is so good with Noah. That kid absolutely is in love with Jason and I am pretty dang sure Jason loves him to death too. Everyone seems to be excited for us and I’m loving every bit of it. I’ve been very hormonal, most days I feel like I am bipolar and I’m not even lying. I found out September 1 J so theres another date to never forget. . . . Just saying. I could almost swear I am having twins by the amount of bloating I have done. I just hope and pray it’s only one. LOL! SERIOUSLY! We have thought of some names but I’m not sharing those yet.

This pregnancy is much like how I was with Noah. Really really bad severe breast tenderness, I cannot stress it enough. . .lol, nausea, headaches, food aversions and cravings, peeing A LOT, soooo over exhausted, bloated, cramping, back aches, trouble sleeping, and constipation. And not to mention I feel like I have to walk on pillows so I don’t hurt it or do anything wrong. I am really pregnant.

The doctor put me as a high risk pregger! Of course because so many problems I had when I was preggers with Noah and because he has DS. I am not supposed to be lifting over 15 lbs. Yep that means not even picking up Noah. Once I start getting bigger I will stop. Once I feel anything pulling I will stop. I don’t think my Boss is going to be to happy with that one but oh freakin well. She can take it and shove it for all I care.

Noah is doing well. He started preschool. His teacher is Mrs. Lindsey Andrews @ Ashford Elementary. He goes Mondays and Wednesdays from 8-2:45. Noah really seems to love his teacher. She says his favorite thing to do is play in the kitchen area. Imagine that!! He is still going to daycare as well and loves it too. I think he is starting to miss mommy though. Every now and then when I drop him off he tells me no and clings to me. It hurts my heart but I know this is helping him. Not only is it good for him it’s good for me. I miss him a lot too.

 

Work is still going. Sucks. It will never change. I hate my co-workers. It’s like I am back in high school with all my haters. My boss seems to think I am the worst person ever but I really could care less.

I still have the most boyfriend ever. He makes me so happy. I am totally in love. Just waiting on that one question. Maybe one day but who’s rushing? I am finally going to have the family that I always wanted. I love the fact that he makes Noah the happiest little guy on this planet. I have to say this is the best relationship I have ever been in. He is so different than all the losers I have ever dated/married. And I just know he is my happily ever after, my knight in shining armor, and my forever. Here's a pic of our drunk selves last time we partied hardy!

 

 

Football season has started. GO GATORS! GO GIANTS! Woot Woot! I am not really looking forward to it starting to get cold. But I am glad it’s not gonna be hot that much longer.

Well dinner is about done. So I have to run, skip, hop, whatever you may call it to my little kitchen that I despise so much. My tummy is rumbling and I have a little nugget to feed. So see ya later!

Love. . . .

My FOREVER AFTER is found. He isn’t going anywhere. A 2 ½ week summer camp away from each other was hard but so worth the wait. I love that man. I haven’t been so happy in so long I can’t even remember the last time I felt this way. It really means something when everyone around you see’s you shining and happier than ever. It feels so good to have a man that everyone likes. That perfect me is back. I have been gone for a long time. J >3 And I am so glad Noah loves him too. Our little family! Finally!

A vacation was well over do. One week in paradise, the only thing I was missing was that crazy guy I call my lover. We went to Panama City Beach, FL for a week with my mom, Isaiah, and my Aunt Cindy Lou flew down. We all had so much fun. I way overspent but it was vacation, who cares! It was much needed. I sure didn’t want to come home. My heart and soul live at the beach. The waves on the beach are so beautiful and the white sand just as crisp as can be. It all goes and just makes me feel so alive and relaxed all at once. I will move to the beach one day. I did get to go on a new adventure!! I finally checked off something on my bucket list . . . .deep sea fishing! And I had a blast! Five hours and four snappers! Loved every bit of it! I even got a little sea sick on the way back to shore but I wouldn’t of traded it for anything. It was an amazing experience and I would definitely do it again. Vacation was wonderful.

Work still sucks. I hate it. I need something new. I need to be appreciated. My patients appreciate me and I love my patients but I hate my boss. There is way to much drama and to many people that are jealous of me and try to get me into trouble for pity things. I am on the edge of getting fired. I honestly don’t care anymore. I want out. I am tired of working my butt off and I get nothing back. We all recently had evaluations for raises and I didn’t get one cent more. Meanwhile, everyone else is walking around bragging about their raises. I am just so sick of this job.

Two months and we will be moving into a new house! Another chapter of our beautiful lives begin. I cannot wait. A bigger house, a family, and more happiness. I will miss my little white house but moving up to bigger and better things.

Noah started daycare. Long story. I will save that for a rainy day. He loves it. I love that he loves it. It helps a lot. I like seeing him interact with other children on his own level. He does so well. School also starts in about a month.

School for me is going. I am so burnt out! But still pushing on. I will get there. Pray for me. Lol.

And that’s about it folks. Noah is walking and talking so so much by the way J.

Into place

I AM SO HAPPY THESE DAYS J REALLY HAPPY! This man has made me feel totally and completely high in cloud 9 and I can’t brag about him enough. This is it for Noah and I. It’s official we are together as of the 22^nd of June. I can’t even explain the emotion I felt when it all happened. He is so perfectly imperfect. I love it. Jason and Noah get along very well and Noah LOVES riding in his big truck. His eyes get so big. Lol. He is so happy. Noah is always happy J. That boy! J Haha! Such a turd.

So work is going okay. I applied for a job in registration. I went for a peer interview and they called me back today for another interview. This time I meet with the supervisor. The position is part-time, 20 hours a week. Monday-Friday NO WEEKENDS! Woot Woot! But lets not count my chickens before they hatch. Day shift. It couldn’t be better. . . .well yea it could be full-time but that’s the thing I will eventually be full-time. I may PCA prn to make 40 hours a week. This could work. It could work very well. Life is Grand!

Mom is good, Isaiah is good! As you know I still miss my brothers!

Two weeks and we go on a family vacation!!! Panama City Beach here we come for a whole week!! Basking in the hot sun, on the beach, with a drank in hand! Oh yes! Sounds so amazing! My Aunt Cindy is flying down too. I can’t wait to see her and for her to see where we drift off to when life gets hard here. It’s my safe place. Home. Away from Home. I always feel so content there.

School is going well! Still going part-time.

God is so good! Everything is falling into place. I just keep praying and thanking him for so much. I am so blessed!

New Man. . . . .and last man. My Happy Ever After :)

He is the one. . .my forever. The best guy ever. He makes my every day a happy day. He brings happiness and fills my heart with joy. 5 days and I just know he is the one. . .call me crazy. I don't care. I always know. This will be my husband one day :)

Why?

Just a quick post. . . I need to get something off my chest. Why is it that when a man and woman break up, most the time it is the man that easily swings back into a perfect relationship? Is it the woman with the issues? Why is it that the woman ends up more broken than the man? Or does it just seem that way? Maybe the man is broken too but hides it. Whatever it may be just confuses me and I have been putting a lot of thought into this tonight. In my past relationships I have pushed all the good men away, I stayed with the jerks and ended up getting hurt. The guys that I hurt to this day still love me. Why?! If I am as perfect as they say I am why did I push them away? I don’t regret any mistake I have ever made and I will keep that as my word. I just question myself sometimes. I don’t always get the end result. I have learned a lot from my jerk boyfriends/husband and grown so much as a woman. I think God has put me through these guys for a reason. I had to go through all that heartache for the one. I am not perfect by any means but I strive to be the best person I can be. I make mistakes just like everyone else. I am trying so hard to patiently wait for that right guy to come sweep me off my feet. I am just tired. . .tired of waiting. When does it end? When can I stop struggling to keep myself and my son on my feet. I know what I want and need in a man, I am ready to settle down, I know how much I can give. When will I ever receive that special touch before I shut my eyes at night or kiss those perfect lips when he walks in the door from a long hard day at work? I want it so badly. Patience is a virtue and time is of the essence but when will it come? I am waiting. . .I am just tired. I am ready to give my all away to a good man. God please send me that man.

My once in a lifetime posting. . .lol

So since I can’t seem to keep an update at least once a week it looks like I have a lot of talking  writing to do. Well first off, NOAH IS WALKING!! All over the place. Into everything! He is so freaking adorable. Thanks to Jeanine Amato for helping him every week since he was 6 mths old! He has come so far and I am so so proud of him. I tell you what HE makes my world go round. That happy little face brightens my heart J. He is talking so much. It’s hard to understand sometimes but I understand most of his cute little sentences. I love the start of this new “Noah”. I love being able to hold mini conversations with him. It makes every day worth waking up to. His little voice is the best sound ever. I am completely in love with this mini version of me. HE is the best thing ever! He does so well feeding himself too. It’s been 3 years and I can’t put into words how amazed I am and how much I have learned from being his mother. Thank God for him, my little blessing. I completely adore every little speck of hair to his tiny crooked toes. He is mine. He has learned how to say “I love you” and hearing him say that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. He couldn’t be any more perfect.

Okay okay. . .enough of that already, huh? No never enough. Lol! Work is still the same. I am looking for something better. Something that better suits me. School is going. I have dropped from full-time to part-time. It was just that “middle”. I didn’t want to just quit and take another break already. I need this. I need to push myself to do it and do it well. I was failing all my classes. I am back on track though. Third time taking this class and I have straight A’s. Back to myself again. I got a little off track.

Still living in the same little white house. It’s adorable. I love almost everything about it. The wooden floors, the happy and quiet neighbors, and the chirping sound of the birds in the morning. . .oh how I just love it. I love having a yard. It is very hard to keep up though. I wanted to buy a house. I think that will wait. . .until I marry. Whenever that will be. Who fricken knows! BOOOO!!

Now that I am on that subject. . . .I never thought love at first sight was real. Well it is. I’m getting over it. I keep thinking about how stupid I sound and look when I tell you I fell head over heels inlove with this guy I knew for 2 days. I didn’t think it was possible but it is. I don’t even know this guy. I met him through a friend at a bar. He took me home, we hung out that weekend and I fell. I fell hard. I made myself look like an ass. Excuse the language. It’s done, it’s over with. I can’t even tell you why or how I am so inlove with this adorable cowboy. . .he is just a man. A broken hearted man. All I know is its over just like that. He is gone and I have to move on. That’s my only option. I keep telling myself that there is a guy out there for me. He will love me unconditionally one day. One day. Guys tell me all the time that I would make an amazing girlfriend and that I have everything going for me BUT those guys. . .they are taken. Why must all the good ones be taken? I don’t get it. I am so amazing but I am alone. I hate coming home to an empty house every day. I do it all alone. I have no companion. Just a friend. . .and that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want it to go anywhere. He is everything I don’t want. So I am trying my hardest to patiently wait. I just don’t know how long I can wait. . . .is this going to take forever? I guess God is def teaching me patience. I refuse to settle anymore. I have done that way to many times. I need a good man, with a steady and dependable job, with a college degree and his crap together, and someone that knows how to treat a woman and doesn’t mind stepping up and taking the place of a father for my son.

So here I am just waiting. . .

I miss my family. As always.  I have figured it out though. I can’t see myself ever moving from the beach area. This is home to me. I never want to leave the beach. There is just something I feel when I am close to it. I feel happy. There is this sense of magical feeling. . . .I can’t say exactly but I know I am truly happy there and I can never leave. This is home. No other place feels the way it does. I will miss my family. I will miss my friends. They will have to come visit. Or I will visit.

Speaking of friends I miss them too! Jami! Shanna! And. . .Zach! my besties! I love them all so much and wish we all lived on one street so I could see them as much as I wanted. I can’t live without speaking to these people often.

Ok so now that I have written a book I have to go get my beauty rest. . .

Just getting there

Ok so I know I am way overdo of a blog posting. Here I am. Months later. WOW! Where do I start? There have been so many changes. So many things are falling into place and I am starting to feel happy. That is what I need most. It took me a long while to get where I am today. I am so proud of myself. I am a work in progress.

Beginning with the latest life news. . .We moved into the white house posted in September 2012. We have been here about 6 months. There are pros and cons here most definently. That will come at a later time. I am still working at SAMC as a PCA. I hate it. Some days are good, but most days really suck. We are under staffed and they expect way to much of us. My job is VERY rewarding though. I will get to that. Hmmmmm, what else? Josh is completely out of the picture THANK GOD! Maybe he realized I am finally serious about never giving him another chance to fuck up what I have. Moving on. I love my friends at work. All of them. I never want them to go away. They all bring me happiness, which is something I gravitate towards. I call them my hospital family. I did meet someone recently, nothing real serious. He is just a friend. He may become more, only time will tell. J See I told you life is getting better. TJ still rejects Noah. L But what can I say he doesn’t deserve that precious little face to even look at. Mother is well. Isaiah is really growing up into a young man. I am so proud of him. He is a handful but I love him to death. Ok so that’s enough catching up. Into the details of it all.

Here we gooooo. . . .

Let’s start happy. Friends. I love them all. Ha Ha. Even though most of them are from work and we hang out rarely outside of work I still enjoy seeing them every day and chatting. My sister/best friend of all time, Shanna. I miss her. Hopefully I can go visit her and the family soon. Jami is in Arizona. I don’t talk to her as much but I miss her soooo much. I miss our crazy baby outings, her spontaneous ways and learning so much from her. She is my opposite piece of me. I can’t live without her. Love you guys!

Work! UGH!!! It is sooo exhausting, mentally and physically. Though it is so rewarding to taking care of helpless people I really need to find a different job soon. Things are being taken lightly about our workload and it is only getting worse. I don’t paid enough as it is. I love my patients though. I could talk about them all day. I miss them when I am not at work. I tend to get close to people quickly. I guess I am a lover. Lol Imagine that! It’s hard watching them fall apart and pass away. It breaks my heart every time. My job makes me really wish I could of known my grandmother. I miss my grandpa. I have learned that I have so much compassion for the elderly. People in general really. I care. I see these patients and their families just waiting for the doctors to bring them good news, which some of them get, but it’s not often. I have to tell a story. . .I have a patient who is mentally ill. He is the same age as my mother. I use to be really distant from this patient when they first came to the floor. I wouldn’t go in his room. It was just to much for me to handle. He has a lot of medical issues and he was in restraints. Things went bad for him. He died. Came back 15 minutes later brain dead. Well, a quarter of him is brain dead. He lost all his capabilities to ever walk again, move his arms, feed himself, bathe himself. I have watched this man deteriorate for 9 weeks. When this man was stable enough to return to my floor he was assigned to be my patient. I am now so close to him. And he holds a special spot in my heart. I have fallen in love with his little blank stare. I have cared for him, comforted him, bathed him. If I am not assigned to him certain days I still check on him. He opens those pretty blue eyes so big when he see’s me. He is now finally talking barely. It is almost time for him to go home. There is not much else the doctors can do but with therapy he gets better. Of course he still has bad days but he hangs in there. He is making a difference. This man has a purpose in life. I don’t care what people say. Brain dead or not, if there is a will there is a way. I thank God for this man being able to make a difference in my life. I have my job for a reason. I don’t really know the exact reason. The more and more I work I grow more compassionate. I am sorry for the long story but I am trying to make a point here. Love your friends and family. Everyone has a reason for still living. We haven’t completed our mission in the world. And don’t take anyone for granted.

Next subject. . .Noah! He is just a babbling away. Talking, talking, talking. He is sooooo close to walking. He can so do it but he is just so stubborn. He does more when you are not looking. He can take a few steps. He is on his 2^nd set of tubes. Dr Nunally said he isn’t sure he wants to put another set in. Noah has water trapped in his ears. So we are finishing meds and going back to see the doc. I am really disappointed in him not being able to get the proper hearing test. There is a big ordeal with them wanting to put him in the booth for a hearing test all because of his age. All children are different. You can’t test every child the same way. When will these people fucking listen? Anyways, Noah is still getting all 3 therapies. He finally got his SMO’s and I have to say they work wonders. AND! He can’t take his shoes off with them on, hahaha!! Happy mommy moments. Lol. Noah has become really attached to his grandma. She still watches him every day while I work and she is tired. But he seems attached to her hip even when I come to pick him up. He has something I never had. So it just makes me so happy he has her.

So. . .me! Hmm! What to say about me? I have become almost whole. I am mentally ready for a new relationship. I am completely over Josh for good. It’s been 7 months. I am doing really well. I have stayed busy and occupied my mind with other good things. I have focused on Noah and myself. Most of all, myself. Becoming a whole person is hard. It takes time, thought, and processing. My relationship with Josh has made me a really selfish person. For now, I need to be. It is time to be selfish. I took care of him and tried to make him happy. I always take care of everyone else and their problems but now it is my turn. I have realized I am the only person that can make me happy. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone to. I need to know how to satisfy myself mentally. Noah is my priority. But even with him I have been selfish. It doesn’t always feel quite right but it is part of my healing process. I notice it. I have been unhappy for a long time. I look in all the wrong places. So I changed. I am selfish. More selfish than I have ever been. I have to focus on me and make me happy to be a better mother to Noah. I need time. I need space. I am healing. For the past 5 ½ years, I have been unhappy and with the wrong people. I have been used and abused. Screw those people. I don’t need them. I have learned a lot. And time heals all wounds. Time out of a relationship. It’s been nice. I feel free. I can come and go as I please. No one is there to tell me how to live day to day. I am free. Being said that. I did meet someone. But like I said it is nothing serious. Patience is everything I need to make any relationship work and its critical in a relationship. Tonight I realized all my relationships were rushed. Especially mine and TJ’s. And I hate that. If we wouldn’t have rushed it I probably would have never married him and I wouldn’t of had Noah. I am not saying I regret TJ being my husband or having Noah but TJ and I were completely different people. It would of never worked. I have missed out on a lot. I realize that. I am picking myself up and dealing with it. I must move on. So rushing isn’t a good idea. In other news, lol I start school again very soon. I took a semester off because I wasn’t doing to well at all. And I didn’t want to damage my gpa anymore. I have enjoyed my break. It was much needed. Ok enough of the rambling.

I recently had an EGD and colonoscopy. Multiple ulcers were found on my stomach and duodenum. I also tested positive for H. Pylori. So I am taking about 5000mg of meds a day. It makes me sick. I also had an abnormal pap smear come back with precancerous cells on my cervix. I guess this explains all the pain I have been in

Ok I will finish this another time, gotta go