Time for Me

I can't lie. . .being a mom  is really stressful at times being a single mom with a special needs child is definently stressful at times. So I need a break every now and then, a break from life so I can make believe I live in a fairy tale and act like there are no troubles in my life at all. I just need to get away from it all and breathe. Breathing is good right?

So what do I do when I get to breathe? and be free? I volunteer. I go out with my friends. I go to lunch by myself. I find something to do. . .nothing I HAVE to do, because thats not being free. I love being able to be free from life, I love being able to breathe.

I love my son and I love everything I have been blessed with but sometimes people just need a minute to step back and look at their life, away from the picture. I find this peaceful. At the same time it has this excitement where my heart starts pounding and I can't help but to have this happiness and this feeling. It's just amazing. It feels like I am a teenager all over again.

20 Months Yesterday

Wow! It's so hard to believe that my little angel/bundle of joy/rock/everything that motivates me is already 20 months old. Four more months and he will be 2 years old. Where does the time go? I gave birth to him 20 months ago but it seems like yesterday. He has come so far and I am so very proud of him. So here is a little update on how he is doing and what his days and weeks are like.

I will start with all therapies and briefly describe them. So Noah started Speech with Early Intervention at 3 months old. The only reason he started speech was because he had some swallowing issues, this was because of his low tone. Which is way better now. He gets speech from Early Intervention every other week and it's always been like that, it will never change. I don't care how good they say he talks or signs. He also gets private speech therapy every other week. It use to be alternating weeks so he had speech every week but somewhere with our vacations and thanksgiving it's been all mixed up and ends up being on the same week. So as of now, he gets Speech Therapy twice every two weeks. I am hoping to have it end up on alternating weeks so he has it once every week rather than how it is now.

Physical Therapy is a big part of our daily and weekly schedule. It is the one thing besides, speech that we really work on. Noah started physical therapy around 4 months old with Early Intervention and private too. I have to add his private therapist is the best ever. She has made both our lives so much easier and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without her. She is truly amazing. Thanks Jeanine! Anyways, Early Intervention PT comes every other week. It feels as if he really doesn't learn or get much therapy when she comes though, because it's turns out to be her talking to me almost the whole time. Which is ok but she is here to do PT not socialize with me about things unrelated to therapy or Noah. Jeanine, Noah's private PT, see's him every single week. Which is amazing! If she could see him more it would be even more amazing.

Occupational therapy is at a whole other level. He does so great with this. He has received OT since he was about 5 months old with private therapy only. Early Intervention OT see's Noah once a month, which sucks and serves no purpose at all. It just makes me mad. His private OT, see's him every other week.

So his therapy update all together: PT is going really well. He is crawling on all 4's perfectly, like a typical kid. This is very unusual for a kid with ds. He pulls up to the standing position on almost all surfaces. The couch is the hardest place because he can't really grip it. He walks with assistance (holding both hands) very well. He may just be a little wobbly but still it's very well! He cruises along the furniture 1-3 steps by himself and then sits down but he will not do this unless you motivate him to do so. Noah's fine motor skills (OT) are very very good! He can pull pegs out from a peg board, he copies you to demonstrate using a crayon and making horizontal lines on paper, his pincher grasp is amazing, he can finger feed himself but only when you make him, he can hold his sippy cup but again only when you make him do it. He needs a lot of motivation for a lot of things but that's what I am here for :) Also speech, is going very very well! Noah mimicks almost every sound I say which is soooo great! I can't describe how I feel about it. I am so excited for him to be talking. He can say moo for cow, roar for lion, dada, he has started making "g" sounds and "k" sounds. He says and points up. We are also teaching him sign language. He can sign and say more, and all done. He also signs drink and eat. He knows one body part.

So he gets tons of therapy as you can see. I work with him at home as well. Some people feel as if I make him do to much therapy but it is good for him and me too. It gives me a break from having to work with him so much and he needs all he can get. I don't care how well he is doing. He is going to continue this therapy routine, if not more. This is a majority of our weeks and days including doctor's visits and him getting sick this is my life and I love it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I can't see myself doing anything else.

Daycare Update

I don't blog as much as I should. I need to blog more. I haven't stayed up to date with the things that have been going on. So now I have to update every point again. Here it goes. . .

I had been  am looking for a job. In the beginning of my job search I received a phone call from Early Head Start with an opening for Noah. This meant full time daycare. Monday-Friday from 8am to 2:30pm. I took the opening and enrolled Noah. I figured this would be perfect timing. I can help him transition him into full time daycare while I am still unemployed and it will be a smooth ride and easier on both of us. What a perfect time to do it! But oh was I wrong. Turns out Noah didn't transition as well as I thought he would. He cried everyday all day. So we changed it so he would only go 2 hours a day from 8am-10 or 10:30 am. 

I feel like things were just so overwhelming for him and with so much chaos within the class it really exhausted him. He is use to being home or with 0-1 other kids around. His classroom had a 2:8 ratio. This is not enough. Especially for a child with special needs. I sat in the classroom and observed multiple times, to see what exactly was going on. I really didn't learn much being that Noah wanted to stay by my side the whole time. Every time one of the teacher's picked him up or tried to do anything with him he would cry or pout. The other kids in his class were all around 2 or 3 years old, none of them had special needs. All of them were walking and talking. This put Noah at a disadvantage. He couldn't communicate and he can't get to things like he usually would because the other kids are walking around and he is afraid to move. He stayed in one spot away from all the kids.  Every single time I would go pick up Noah he was crying. Ms. M would ask me questions like Do I hold him a lot? Do I play with him all day or does he play by himself? and she would give me these crazy looks like she really didn't like me. From the looks she gave me and the questions she asked I felt a little offended. Ms. S, was Noah's actual caregiver she would try everything she knew to get him to stop crying but he just never stopped. Ms. M's theory was. . .he will learn that it's ok and to cry it out. This really made me mad. I don't agree to have any child "cry it out"! Unless they are really having a meltdown for no reason. But this isn't Noah. This isn't usual. Noah never cries. So something was wrong. Something is not quite right. I debated so many times to take him completely out of daycare. The director was trying everything she could to help and make things easier for us. Nothing helped.

I feel like Noah was crying because he was exhausted, scared, confused, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and lost. Crying was his only way of communicating and they just wanted to ignore him. So today, was the last straw. I am so sick of going to pick him up and he is crying, he cries himself to sleep. I feel if this was to last to long it might traumatize him and he will just shut down. I have to do what's right or Noah. I loved him being in daycare. I got so many things done, and it was so conveniant. It was also great for social interaction. When I went to pick up Noah today he was asleep but I could tell he had been crying because he was breathing deep. So I asked the teachers what happened and they acted like everything was fine. So I asked again, why was he crying. Ms. M said well he was out yesterday! Noah was absent yesterday, he was sick. He is still sick. Ms. M always seems to have a comment every time Noah misses a day. I explained to her that he is sick and she agreed. It just really made me mad that she has to put her two sense in every time I do or say something about MY son.

So no more daycare for Noah right now, back home with mommy.

Depression? No. . .just loneliness

So I haven't blogged in a good month and a half. . .why? Oh I don't know. I have had a lot going on. My head just spins. I want to write but I am just not motivated. I am not very motivated for anything right now. Today is just not a good day. I feel alone in my world. I don't understand a lot of things. I feel like banging my head on one of the hard, cold, cement walls in my house. The walls are so ugly. I hate my walls. I hate my house. But why? Why do I hate it? Why isn't it good enough? Why do I always want more? I am never satisfied. I feel empty. Why?! I don't know. I have so much. I have more than some people. It's November. . .I think what am I thankful for? I am thankful for a lot in my life. I am just not satisfied. I want more. I am like a cat with a string hanging in front of me swinging back in forth but my hands are tied behind me. I feel stuck in a world I can't remove myself from. Why did this happen to me? Why am I here in this position? I want to jump and take chances but something is holding me back and I can't see it. Why do I feel like this? I pray and ask God to help me but it seems it only works for a few months and then I slip and fall again. And it takes a lot to lift me back up to where I was. I was happy, I was kind of content, I was proud. . .or was I? Was I lying to myself and everyone else? I don't know. . . .


All I know is I am so unbelievably proud of my son. I am so thankful I have him. He really is my rock, the one I keep pushing forward for. I would be no where without him. Thank you God for him! I know I have a house, a car, my mom, my little man, and the things I need to just barely get me by. Thank you God for making things possible for me. I am just sad I guess. I am not satisfied. I am breaking.


I want more. I want someone to call my husband. I want more kids. I want my own family. Why can't I have that? Why does it seem impossible? I know. . .wait and be patient and God will send me one of those knights in shining armor ONE DAY. But what if one day is to long? Patience is a virtue. 


There is this guy. . .my heart opens to him. I feel happy and secure. I can tell him anything. I can't help but smile when he smiles. He is everything I want in a man. I want nothing more to just hug him. I can't though. It's difficult and complicated. He has a life somewhere else. I gave up on him once. I feel like I have an opportunity but then I might lose everything else. So I am stuck. I am confused. I hate it. Do I just say forget it and move on and wonder about him like I have for the past 10 years? Or do I say screw it and just jump? Possibly losing or possibly winning. I don't know.


I am graduating college next month. I feel happy but insecure about this. I feel it has got me no where. I feel like it was a waste of time. I can't find a job. I have been searching for 3 months. I don't want to settle. I am tired of settling. But I haven't had one offer. I want to give up. Things are just not working out. I am sad. I am breaking. School loans will end and I will have no income except a small SSI check to cover most but not all of my bills. What am I going to do? My ex husband won't pay child support. He refuses to find a job and support his son in any way so I am forced to put everything on my shoulders. It's wearing my down though. I can't do it much longer. I need help. But I don't want help. I need a job. I am to the point that I am going to accept anything, job wise. 


Why can't I just say screw life? Why can't I just quit? I am tired of trying and trying and getting no where. All of my friends are married and moving forward in their lives. I am not. I am stuck. I live with a disease, no one knows but my close family, and 1 or 2 friends. I can't tell people. People won't accept me. I feel like I have done wrong. But I don't deserve this. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Why me?! It's ok. Someone will love me ONE DAY. It sucks. Maybe ONE DAY will come. Maybe it won't. Maybe I will have to settle to have more kids and a family of my own. I am just confused. Why can't someone just love me for me and and not for what I have or don't have? Why can't I be accepted? Why are people so hateful? Why are people so judgemental? 


ONE DAY I will have it all. A nice house, more kids, a husband to treat me the way I need to be treated, a dog, and a good job. Is this to much to ask for? I am uncertain of my future and it scares me. I am scared to be alone. I want my son to have a father. It hurts me. I want him to have a father. I want a husband. ONE DAY!  : /

Until he sleeps. . . .

Blogging has been on my mind so much lately but it seems I have little time for it most days. Noah is fighting his sleep tonight so I should occupy my time with this until I can go to sleep. Btw Gators and Bama are playing right now. . .24-10. Who do you think is winning?!! Of course Bama, ugh! This is lame.


So I recently got accepted into Wallace Community College. I was trying so hard to meet the deadline for the LPN program but turns out I missed the testing date by 1 day. . .this is was such a disappointment to me. So I guess this means I have to change my plans. I am thinking since I already have my ducks in a row I can apply next semester and totally get in easily being I have more time to test and study. This just means I will be HAVING to find a job as soon as possible. My program at CTU (the school I am currently going to) is ending in December. I will have an Associate's degree in Health Administration!! I am so excited, there aren't words to explain it. I will officially be a college graduate!! GO ME! Btw, Noah still is awake and it's 9:30. His bedtime was at 8:00.


I am exhausted. . .I feel like we have been going and going for days. I just want a day to sleep all day and I will be back to normal. I am so use to getting so much sleep and now that Noah is growing and eating more I feel like I am sort of dragging. Things will be better soon! I am staying positive.


So. . .it has been 4 mths and I have not received any sort of child support. I am becoming very angry because of this. I would be able to buy Noah clothes and take him to do more things if this loser would just pay. But he won't. He would rather sit in jail and receive felony charges for not obeying a court order and just paying. By the way. . .just for the people that don't know, he has impregnated 3 other woman and has yet to be any kind of father. Two of the woman had abortions. The other, Ashley, is due this month. Noah will have a brother soon, Brayden Lee. He is going to be Noah's first brother. Ashley and I are making it a point to have these boys be a part of each other's lives. I feel like I am doing the right thing. I never had a "real" father figure in my life at all. Matter of fact, I don't even know who my father is. So this makes it worse for me to watch my son grow up the same way. . .in the sense that he won't know TJ. I think it is for the best but he may still wonder and sometimes may not understand. My heart aches because of this. I definently know the feeling. This is one reason why I wish I was married and had a relationship with a good man. He needs a father figure.


I need/want a husband as well. I have been out of any kind of relationship for a good 5 months now. I know what I want finally and won't settle for anything less than I deserve. I have done that to many times. I want a man to stick by me through thick and thin and love me the way I love him. I have always fallen for guys very easily but for the wrong reasons so I want to do it the right way this time. I need a man to have certain personal values and care about my feelings. This should be constant as well. Most men boys I have been with act one way when we first start out but as the years go on the caring about me or my feelings lessen and it should not be this way. I am the type of woman that will go completely out of my way to make someone else happy but only if they don't take advantage of it. I want to be appreciated just like anyone else. So after being single for about 5 months I have been able to really think about just not what I want but the things I need in a man/husband. I have came to the point though where I am really starting to get lonely, especially at night. I miss being able to bond emotionally with a man. Not physically but mentally. 


I have recently gained a couple of really great friends. These people have really filled some of my loneliness. I have prayed and prayed for some real friends to actually become a part of my life and God has really gave me great opportunities for this. Thanks Jami and Melissa! You both mean the world to me! And even in a short amount of time we are so unbelievably close. I really love you both! I feel like I can tell you almost ANYTHING! And I feel a sense of realness with you both. You are both amazing people and are great friends. Thanks for being there! xoxo. . .ok enough of the sappy stuff. LOL! 


But I still feel this loneliness after I am home for awhile. . .I am realizing I have no one to tell how my day went or how my weekend went. I miss coming home to someone. I have Noah but he already knows, he was with me. And I need something more than he can give me. A different type of love. The love every woman desires. It makes me sad and depressed but I have to keep thinking positively. Maybe it's just not time. It's just hard to really press this into my thick head being I want it so badly. I have become very picky on the type of man I will settle with though so there is no desperate attempts in the making. lol! I promise!


I just keep praying God fills my emptiness when the time is right. For now. . .I am going to bed though. Little man is fast asleep in his jumperoo :) Night Night!

PREGO BELLY DUE APRIL 20th

So I found out September 15, 2009 that I was prego!! Yay! Being the person I am, I have wanted a baby since I was a little girl. I just couldn't wait! I love babies! So I was happy. . .I was still on the fence about this separation thing with T.J. and he was slowly trying to nuzzle his way through our separated life to end in an abortion. He bribed me with money of course. If I got an abortion, I would not be in debt. And I seriously considered this BUT I sought to God and I prayed and prayed. I had never prayed so much in my life. As you can see Noah is here now. I look at Noah everyday and sometimes I wonder, How could I have ever even thought about doing such a thing to my beautiful child? I have NEVER believed in abortions! I strongly believe that if a child is put in your life then there is a reason for it. God makes a child for a reason. Not to be destroyed.


So I got my first ultrasound and got to hear the most amazing sound, his heartbeat! I was so happy. I immediately grew a huge smile and thought NO WAY CAN I GIVE THIS UP! So I didn't. I would have to say my mother has been my biggest supporter through out the whole time. Thanks mom! It means a lot! I couldn't of done it without you. Love you, xoxo. So many people told me over and over again that I was to young to have a baby much less go through a divorce at the same time. But you know what?! I did it! I never had a doubt it my mind. I do have to add I was losing weight due to depression. I couldn't eat for a month. I lost 15 lbs. 


Thirteen horrible weeks later ( I say this because the first trimester was the roughest for me) I felt much better. I was healthy, the baby was healthy. I was becoming to be okay with my life and what was going on. I needed to accept that T.J. and I were done, for good! I did meet someone and I have to admit I did use him but just as much as he used me. His name was Josh. He helped me get over T.J. I know this isn't the way you should get over anyone but I did and I don't regret it. Josh was there for me emotionally through my WHOLE pregnancy and I mean the WHOLE thing. I could talk to him. I will explain things about this at a later time, just know we weren't meant to be and are no longer together but lasted a whole year and a half. So. . .thirteen weeks into my pregnancy I was feeling so much better. I had a doctor's appointment and was asked if I wanted to have the optional AFP screening done. This tests the chance of you having a baby with any kind of deformity like cleft palate, cerebral palsy, or down syndrome. Being that I had a little brother born with Down Syndrome about 6 years previous I said of course! I highly doubted that it would come back positive. Though subconsciously I was so so worried! But I put it in the back of my mind and just told myself, no way. We don't have a history of it in my family and God won't put me through that.


What was I thinking?! Someone should have hit me with a brick. A few weeks later I received a phone call. . .so worried and anxious I asked what the results were. She said it came back positive for Down Syndrome. I was such in shock I didn't know what to say, ask, I didn't know if I was suppose to breath or cry. I didn't know. Then she told me my chances were 1 in 100, most people's are more like 1 in 1000. I did cry. I didn't know what to think or say. I spent the next few weeks worrying over this and thinking of so many what if's. So I turned to God once again. After all this confusion I finally told myself so what if he has it! SO WHAT!! I don't care. I still loved him and I still wanted to see his little face and hug and kiss him. The doctor's gave me multiple ultrasound's quite frequently after this and tried to talk me into getting an amnio, which I totally went against. There was no way they were sticking a HUGE needle in my stomach. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. I stuck to my gut feeling and listened to what God was wanting me to hear. SO WHAT! SO WHAT IF MY SON HAS DOWN SYNDROME! I still want him!


Week 36 came and went and I kept telling a friend of mine he will be born on April 20th, just watch! My due date was ranging somewhere between May 6-12. But I knew they were wrong. I was farther than they calculated. I remembered when we conceived. I use to write these things down. 


Week 38 came - April 20th on the dot! At 2:00am my water broke, I woke up and we rushed to the hospital. I was having contractions back to back every 5 min. and they were getting stronger. The nurses ended up giving me pitocin because I wasn't dilating like I should have. I was only at 2.5 cm. By 9:00am I was still having contractions and only dilated to 3cm. They increased my pitocin once again and I was having contractions off the charts, every 2 min. I could hardly catch my breathe. I could not breathe! They strapped the oxygen mask on me and inserted a catheter as well as an internal monitor to monitor the baby because he kept moving and we wanted to keep an eye on him. A few more hours went by and I was begging for that epidural!! I wanted to do it natural but I just didn't have the guts. I was in so much pain. I just wanted him out!!! I almost asked for a c-section. So an hour later they came to give me my epidural and asked my mom to leave the room. They said they couldn't have anyone in there for some reason. Anyways. . .the epidural felt sooo good! Such a relief! THANK YOU GOD FOR DOCTORS!! haha. . .my mom went down to smoke a cigarette and less then 5 min. later I was going in and out. They were going to lose the baby and I. Our heart rates had dropped unbelievably low and all I remember was about 10 nurses swarming around me and being ran down the hall and into the operation room. I kept blacking out and coming back. I was trying to fight it so bad. Something was wrong! Something was terribly wrong! They numbed me, and a blue sheet flew over my stomach. There was a male nurse to the left of me by my head and once they cut me open my arms flew over and I grabbed him and I begged him to help me!! I FELT THEM CUT ME OPEN!! I was crying and screaming to the top of my lungs. I kept asking where my mom was. She was no where to be found. The nurses kept asking me if I could feel it and I said yes! Next thing I know. . .the baby is gone, I was seeing pac-man in my head and I was in another room, all sewed up like nothing happened. Of course I was drugged up. I asked where my baby was repetitively and my mom was there, she kept telling me the nurses have him. I kept asking if he was ok and I wanted to see him. I was literally begging for him. Then I asked my mom if he had Down Syndrome, my mom looked at me and said yes he does.


It sunk in from there on, it hit me. My son has Down Syndrome. I felt sad and lonely. I still wanted to see him and hold him. I wanted to be close to him. They brought him to me after I wasn't so drugged up anymore and I stared at him. I thought for a split second, this is not my child. I don't want him to have Down Syndrome. I thought Down Syndrome was an ugly thing. Then he opened his eyes and smiled at me, my heart melted! I loved him! He was so beautiful! How can this be?! I am lucky to have a child at all. And he is healthy! I never thought again that I didn't want Noah to have Down Syndrome, I love him the way he is. Yes I still wonder how he would be without it but you know what?! He is beautiful inside and out just the way he is. I wouldn't have it any other way. God made him this way for a reason. He was born to me for a reason. And he is my angel, my son, my rock that keeps me striving for a better life, and my Noah! All mine!


For the people that don't know about Noah's father I will just say this. . .he has never and I mean never ever wanted Noah to be a part of his life. He did come and hold Noah for not even 5 min after he was born but he has not seen him since. Except for when we went to court for divorce in January 2011. He demanded a DNA test, which he paid for and it came back 99.8% that Noah was his. I love Noah and I can't understand how a man, a person can totally imagine life without his own son. His own flesh and blood. He is truly a gift from God and missing out. And it's his fault. No one else's. He will not pay child support. He gave up his right's to Noah. He has said horrible and I mean horrible things about Noah. For no reason at all. He can't be a man and stand up and say this is my son. He tells people he doesn't have kids at all. He makes me sick and he is a disgrace to man kind. All I know is. . .one day. . .he will have to answer to the one almighty God.


Thanks for reading. . .Noah is awake from his nap so I have to run. 

Blogging. . .

Hello everyone and welcome to my very first blog ever! Congrats for becoming a reader. That means your special! Yay! Anyways I have had many people ask me questions pertaining to me starting a blog. Why am I starting a blog? What is this all about? Well people. . .


First of all, I LOVE to write. In this case it will be typing of course. haha. It gives me a chance to see my thoughts come out and relieve some stress. Second of all, I wanted some of those people that support me so much to really know some of the things I have gone through. The things that have made me, ME! I look forward to putting myself out there to you special readers and letting you know I live with no regrets so please don't judge me. If you want to judge me, you don't deserve the privilege of reading anything about me or my life. Point blank period. Another thing, I am NOT and I repeat NOT blogging so people can feel sorry for me. I do not want anyone to feel pity on me. I am just here telling my story, my life, and everything I go through. You are welcome to comment at any time. I would love to hear from my viewers. And third of all. . .I know this will be forever down the road but one day when I am gone, and Noah has questions, or misses me. . .all he has to do is read. I hope that he can anyway, there is no telling how this world will turn out.


I hope that answers your questions. 

"Married The Wrong One"

Once upon a time. . . .far far away in a princess castle, just kidding! But really. . .once upon a time I was MARRIED! Yep! MARRIED! Can you believe it? Well anyways I was, I am divorced now. It was a long road of learning and arguing. I am so glad it's over. July 14, 2007 I married Walter Trancynger (known as T.J.) right after I graduated high school. We dated for only 6 mths before that. Yes you saw it right, 6 mths only. We thought we were inlove. He was in the U.S. Navy. Little did I know what that meant for me. . .nothing but having to make them happy for the next few years of our life. T.J. and I were married for 3 years total, 2 of which we were together and "so called happy". I was cheated on multiple times within our marriage, it all started 3 months after we were officially married. This became a continual thing as I forgave him over and over again and wanted it to work. I WAS inlove but it was clear he was not. He was very emotionally and mentally abusive. He manipulated me and lowered my self esteem to nothing. I wanted so badly for things to work so I kept trying. The arguing was a constant everyday battle. We argued about stupid things of course.


February 2009, I found phone records. He was having an affair. She worked with him, deployed with him, and there is so much more but I won't bore you with the details. He told me he didn't want to be married, he wasn't happy. This was his excuse. He deployed once again shortly after this, after he had a short "midlife crisis". 6 months later he came home and things were GREAT! We were so happy and so "inlove"! I still find myself missing those days. This was when little Noah Ezekiel was conceived. . .


I was enrolled at Jacksonville State College to get my Nursing degree, I was actually doing it! Finally! I started in August 2009. September 15th rolled around and I had been feeling so sick, so tired, my breasts hurt. They never hurt. I knew. I had to be pregnant. I missed my period. I didn't say anything to T.J. because I didn't want him to worry. We had so much on our plate with him just coming home from deployment AND his family staying with us. I went to class that morning and afterwards I stopped by Wal-mart to get a test. I took it right then and there in the bathroom at Wal-mart. I called one of my best-friends, Charlie. O-M-G-SH!! I was prego! My first thought was that I was sooo unbelievably excited! Then I got scared. What is T.J. going to say? I knew he wouldn't want a baby right now. I just started school.


So I told him that day. He FREAKED!!!! His only and I mean only thought was abortion. We have to get an abortion. That was his only option. I disagreed. The next day he came home from work and told me we needed to separate. He took my name off the bank accounts, off his car insurance, everything. I was so in shock. I didn't cry though. I left. I took as much would fit into my little 1997 Mustang and drove off. So many thoughts went through my head. I had no idea what God had in store for me, I was so confused. Four lonely long hours later I was crying. . .at my moms.


I thought T.J. and I would end up back together, I really did. The day after I found out I was pregnant we separated. We were separated for over a year. The divorce took that long. I went through so much after this. I will talk more about it in my next post. January 3, 2011 we got divorced!!! Thank God!


What I want people to understand is that T.J. was everything I wanted in a man, beyond all the bullcrap. He did everything and was everything you would want your "prince charming" to be. He is lost within himself. I have forgiven him. I still care about him, I just don't love him. I wish him the best. He is the father of my son. Whether he wants to be or not. This is why it is so hard for me to settle for anyone else. I want my "prince charming" back. Not T.J. but someone similar. Someone that can be a husband to me, and a father figure to my son. I want to be loved. I hate being single. It's difficult. I have learned so much from T.J. and the things we went through. I won't ever stand to be cheated on again, by anyone. That is not love. I can say I have respect for myself and my son enough to say to someone "I'm sorry but I need more than you can offer me", and I have. I pride myself in that everyday. I will never settle again and for this reason I feel like it will be forever until I meet my special someone.


Ok sorry that was so long and boring. . .but it needed to be put out there before anything else! Thanks for reading.