Home Sweet Home :)

So proud of myself! Finally a place to call home for Noah and I. Two weeks until we move in. I can't wait!

Just a month

So yea it’s been another month since my last blog. I don’t know what it is but I just seem to kind of forget. I guess that means I have a lot going on right? Well I do.  I just wanted to say that I absolutely LOVE this font, haha. Anyways life has been hectic. It’s been really busy, there has been lots and lots of downward spirals and some upward too but for the most part things are starting to look up. Or at least I hope so.

So I moved to Kansas. . .I was there for about a week and a half. And. . .. .I hate to say it but I am back in Alabama. Well, actually I don’t hate to say it. I missed it. I was depressed. I loved the fact that I could see my family a lot more, which I did. I spent a lot of time with my cousin, Tiffany. I had a lot of fun with her and I absolutely adore her son Braylen. He is such a doll and Noah really liked him too. Lol. There was a lot of family I didn’t get to see though being I was there for only a short time. I had been looking for a nannying job and I was going to start school at the end of August and eventually get my own place. I was looking at prices of everything and it hit me. I was not going to be able to afford to live anywhere by myself without a full time job. And I say a full time job, like seriously. Could you imagine little Noah going to daycare or staying with someone he barely knows or doesn’t know all day every day all of the sudden? They don’t know him and he doesn’t know them and he has been taken away from everything he is use to. No, I wasn’t going to do that. How would they know what he wants? His communication skills aren’t that of a 2 year old but maybe a 7 month old. He can communicate but you have to really know what he is saying and if you haven’t ever been around him you aren’t going to have a clue. His words are not clear, he doesn’t know or understand a lot of what you say. I would have to literally sit down and tell a person everything about him; healthwise and developmentally and still they wouldn’t know. This is what I struggle with putting him anywhere other than with my mom while I work now (I’ll get to that later) and I know he is never going to get use to some place if I don’t try but I haven’t exactly had the best experience with daycares nor do I feel very good about leaving my child with several disabilities with someone who knows nothing about him or how he is. So needless to say, I was taking this into account. My older brother Chris was willing to help but at the moment he couldn’t. I needed family to help me and I didn’t really have that. My family wasn’t exactly in the right position to even try to help me. I was staying with my Aunt Cindy but there were more pity problems than I knew. I didn’t want these things to complicate my stay there and so I packed my things back into my car and left. I came back home.

Then. . .comes the hard part. I thought I would get my job back. To make a long story short, I received a better job. I had to pull a few strings and there are a lot of jealous people but you know what I deserve it. I say this was hard because this took me about 2-3 weeks to do all this. I will spare you the details. Let’s just say my ex supervisor is not as “Christian” as she seems to be. Hmmmph! So now I am back at the hospital working on the cardiac floor as a Patient Care Assistant, it’s basically like a CNA without the certification. So far I love it. There are parts of it that aren’t so pleasant but all in all it’s very rewarding and really teaches me a lot about life.

So anyways, I work full-time now. I go to school full-time. Noah and I, both, live with my mother. Noah is finally getting back into therapy and a routine. And I am looking for a house for little man and I. I am extremely excited. And I pray it’s where God wants me to be. I applied for the second time, different place, for a house today and I pray and pray I get it. That would be a huge weight off my shoulders. I am still single and loving it. I am totally crushing on this guy at work but I think he has a gf. Haha. To bad for me. Oh well. I am loving being able to go out and enjoy the party scene every once in a while. I think I deserve that too, being I work so hard to do for Noah and I. I just need to let loose every once in a while so me and the girls from work go dancing.

Noah is doing great! He is so so soooo close to walking. He is now standing up on his own from the floor and he stays there for approx. 3 seconds and sit back down. He thinks it’s funny and he seems to get really excited he is doing it all by himself. He is really scared to let go of anything. But I think walking is just around the corner. One day he is just going to take off. I just hope I am home to see it! Next goal is potty training. His PT is great with him. And we all love her. The other PT from Early Intervention see’s him once a month, which there isn’t really a point why it’s only once a mth but whatever I am not going to argue since he has PT every week privately. We are in the middle of getting him SMO’s for his feet. He turns in his right foot more than he is suppose to and he always seems to rock back on his heels. We think it’s weakness in his ankles, which is common. The SMO’s will support him a little better and they will eventually strengthen his ankles. He is not getting speech right now and I am really not happy about that. We find out why tomorrow. He is getting OT every other week since he does so well with his fine motor skills. I have begun to brush his teeth once a day to adjust him to the texture and because it’s important since he has a lot of teeth now. He doesn’t really like it at all. I tried different tooth paste but I think it’s just the texture or something idk. We will mention it to the OT. Other than all that Noah is doing great. He is talking a lot. I haven’t really had the chance to teach him new things yet but he will get there. Six more months and he will start preschool. I can’t believe it, oh my gosh!

Anyways it’s getting to be my bed time. 5:30 comes really early for me and I must not be late. I need my beauty rest! Maybe I will blog again soon. Lol.

No place like home, No place like home

Last time I blogged I had some changes in my life. Some were particularly good and some bad. Well. . . .to say the least a lot has happened between now and then. First of all, I do not live at the same trailer. We were there for not even a month. I did enjoy it but I guess that’s not where God intended us to be. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Tomorrow is my last day at work. I have put in my two-week notice. I am quitting. Though I put up with a lot of drama at work, I have to say I will really miss some of those girls. I am currently single too. Happy and sad about that. Let’s just say everything will work out. It’s all part of God’s plan and I just have to follow the right path. Josh and I obviously are not meant for one another. There has been a lot of hurt in our relationship. There was no trust and we were to the point we were both unhappy. Through all the hurt I will continue to care about him, I was with him for 3 years off and on. Sometimes I tell myself I will get over that. And I will, it will take time. I do miss him and it still hurts but I stay strong for myself and my little man. I don’t want Noah to see me hurt so I do hide it but I will be ok. I have lots of other things to fill my mind and worry about right now.

Being said that we are moving to Kansas. I think it’s time for us to leave. It will be easier for me to let go. And I need my family. I need to be closer and I want the ability to see them regularly. Not just once a yr or every 2 yrs. That’s not enough. Also, Noah will have more opportunities there. I plan on completely starting over. I have sold almost all my furniture. I want to leave most of the memories behind. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t need concrete things reminding me of past lovers. So we are starting over. I am trying to convince myself that change is good. I just hate to think I have to do all that I have done in the past 2 or 3 years over again. Thinking about it exhausts me. I don’t have any plans for when we get there. All I know is I am going back to school at CTU Online for my Bachelors in Business w/ a concentration on Healthcare Management at the end of this month. I don’t want to work. Not right away anyway. I miss Noah. We need each other most right now. And I can’t just move him into a whole new environment, not really knowing anyone and leaving to go to work right away. I can’t and will not do that. He would be so lost and confused. I mean can you imagine??

So I am taking things day by day. That’s all I can do. I can’t worry about those things. Everything will be ok. It’s just going to take time.

Xoxo to me and Noah!

Story of My Life - - July 17, 2012

Work! That seems to be all I do these days. Just plain work. I still work at SAMC but I did manage to get promoted, which is amazing and less drama too. My new position is in the Diet Office part time. I feel like I work full time. I only work 8 hours less than full time so you might as well call it full time. I think I might have actually gone overtime last week. Things have been super busy though. I guess that’s a good thing. I just feel like I miss out on so much with Noah. It kind of gets to me. Ok it really gets to me. But it’s one of those things that you just have to live with I guess. I always tried to imagine being a working single mother but I could never really see myself actually filling that spot. I guess I can do it. I have to admit that its really stressful and just hard! I worry constantly about how I am going to pay the bills and afford everything that Noah needs. I hate that I can’t go out and take him to do things. I have faith that one day it will come I just really hate the fact that he is soon going to be starting school and I am missing his toddler stage. I am very thankful for my job though. Most people don’t have a good job with benefits. But I am making something of myself. I want to show my son that I am strong and independent and that you have to take care of your family because they are the only family he will ever have. One day he will have a family of his own, if that’s what he wants. And I want him to know that he should be the bread winner. Lol. He needs to be able to take care of his family. And I want him to know that I didn’t give up when the going gets tough. I kept pushing.

Sometimes I wish I had a big family – a husband, a few other kids, a dog or two, and a big house. I know one day that will come. I deserve it and Noah deserves it. But for now I am kind of at peace knowing I can do it by myself and even though it’s a struggle I know God will get me through it. He never lets the righteous fall. As long as I keep my head up and not worry he will do for us. He is our main provider and he is the one that gave me the strength to keep pushing forward to not give up. I also kind of like it that its just Noah and I. It’s quiet and peaceful. And I love that. Sometimes it can get a little to peaceful but that’s why I need friends. Good friends. I think I have one true friend. And that’s it. I need more. And I need my family too. Family is supposed to stick by your side and help one another and love one another. I have always wanted a big close family. So that’s kind of a goal of mine. I really miss my family and I do plan to move back home one day. I wish I could say it was soon but time will tell and I really never know what the future holds. All I know is I will. I don’t know details; like when or anything so everyone just please stop asking because I feel like a liar every time I say by this time or that time and I end up still in lame-ass Alabama.

So my brother, Charles came to visit with his friend Beau for the 4^th of July. It was really nice seeing him. He was only here for about 4 days and what do ya know I had to work every fricken day. I had taken a week of vacation a week before he came, don’t ask! No, lol I didn’t know he was coming. Everything was kind of last minute. But like I said it was nice seeing my little brother. I just wished I got to see him more and spend more time with him. I feel like he has really grown into a young man. We have grown apart over the years which I hate more than anything but that’s to be expected from him being he is younger than me and does not have kids. He likes to party. I like to party too but I never get the chance.

On another note, I moved into a new place. It is a 2 bd 2 bath mobile home in the country. Far away from bad neighborhoods and we have our own yard for once. Lol. I am loving it. I actually love the place out here but I don’t quite know if it was a bad idea or a good idea moving way out here. Its farther to work and about 10 minutes from the city so I mean its not horrible and totally in the boondocks but it sure does get dark out here. Noah seems to love the place too.

I got a new car and a new phone! New care is an o5 Ford Five Hundred. Big car! Leather seats, sunroof, and totally decked out. I am loving it for sure!!! Only con is that it is horrible on gas. I got an iphone 3gs and I love it too. I only paid $1 for it so I got an amazing deal and couldn’t pass it up.

Nothing else is going on really. My bf/ex bf/roommate are not getting along but whats new?! I don’t even know who he is and I am sick of bullshit. I am ready to say fuck it all sometimes and get the hell out of this shithole called Alabama and leave everyone and everything in it.

One day I will have had enough and that will be the day I leave. I don’t know why I haven’t reached that point yet. I am just too forgiving and I want someone to be around. Ok well thanks for reading.

Quickie. . .the just now

I am going to sum up everything in a few short paragraphs. There is a lot going on and. . . .well here it goes. First of all, COURT! We went to court. TJ paid no mind to Noah AT ALL, which wasn't surprising at all. The judge ordered him to pay what he owes me, which is about $2000 before June 15 or he is going to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. So there you have it. In plain black in white. Finally some one is doing/saying something. Finally he will get what he deserves. Maybe this will teach him he made something and has a responsibility.

When we went to Florida for court, Noah got a chance to meet his cousin Ellie. TJ's sister, Katie agreed to have us over to her house. So Noah and Ellie played for about 2 hours. They absolutely LOVED each other and they played so well!

Work is going ok. Same as always though. I hate it. I hate the hours. But as they say it could be worse. I am just thankful I have a job and can pay my bills. I still want something better though. You know how it goes.

Noah is talking sooo much lately. He is saying about 10 words which is great! I am so so proud of him! He also started officially finger feeding himself. It was a little hard for me to just let him go that much, make a mess, and lose the little bit of baby that I did. But I can't express how proud of him I am. He is learning so much. He LOVES music and anytime I sing to him. He LOVES to dance. He recently started to try and sing his abc's. He picks up things so well and is such a fast learner. He really can do anything anyone else does. He just needs to be shown "how" to do it.

I have reached a point in my life where I am really "lost", I guess that's what you can call it. I don't know what I want to be. Or where my career is going? I thought I knew what I wanted to do but working at a hospital has really changed my perspective on the health care field. I want to have a job that I am happy with. I don't want the same routine every day. That gets boring. I don't want to hate my job because I will just be miserable and I won't live like that. Why pay for an education and work, as well as be away from my son for X amount of hours and make myself miserable? You know! A lot of people hate their jobs and I won't do that. I refuse. I want weekends off and holidays. So I am really trying to find myself. I keep thinking about all the things I enjoy, like writing or helping people. But I need to go deeper. I know who I am and what I came from and I know what I want in life. But who am I going to be?? A journalist? Some kind of investigator? A counselor? An event planner? A cook? I just have no idea.

This brings me to another "lost" part of me that doesn't know where I am going to be happiest. Definently not in Alabama. There is nothing here. Yea I know a lot of people but I need more than that. Noah needs more choices. I need good schools. And no offense to southern people but I don't want my son talking with this "southern slang", I just can't stand it. It doesn't sound good. It's very unprofessional. But that's my opinion. I love the beach and Noah loves the beach. So I lean to moving some where in the panhandle of Florida. But then again, all my family lives in Kansas and I would love to be close to them. I just am not sure how much more I would see them and all that. I am terrified of change, I hate change matter of fact. And I know sometimes I need to take chances and leap, trusting that God is going to take care of me. But I just don't know what's best for us right now. I am so lost and confused. I need to research and I can't seem to find enough time to look at every aspect the I need to consider. A change is much needed in our lives but I just don't know which way to go. . .I pray God helps me make the right decision.

And that's pretty much it lately. Oh I got a new car and am loving it but besides that, I'm just lost and I need help.

Alone

I was talking to one of my family members tonight and she brought up something I may have not ever brought up or talked about. Not honestly and open at least. So here I am to tell how my life is. Really! The most important topic there is to talk about are going to be talked about.


I am all alone raising my child. I am not only a single mother, but I am a single mother of a special needs child. I have day to day struggles just as everyone else does but having a child with special needs and trying to meet those needs all by myself can be difficult. Trust me there are many good points as to being a single mother but it's hard. Almost to hard. Sometimes I feel like I am just going to break. I just want to hide in a dark corner far away from everything and everyone. It's all so overwhelming. I have to work, take Noah to therapy and doctor's appointments (take into account this means his regular doctor, the ENT, his cardiologist, the eye doctor, the neurologist, the dentist, and more), take myself to doctor appointments (since I am the only parent in this family I have to make sure I am healthy and taken care of too), clean the house, take care of the car, work with Noah on OT, ST, PT, as well as teach him regular things. Like I said it's overwhelming. 


Again there are good things about being a single parent such as having the only say in what goes about how to raise the child. This is what I like the most. The second most thing I enjoy is getting to be the main person he depends on. He knows I will always be there and I love him unconditionally. 


Noah's biological father has given up all rights to him and even denies Noah being his child. I have filed to collect child support and have yet to receive a cent in a year. May 16th we finally go to court. I pray this jerk gets what he has coming and learns a lesson.


Updates coming soon. . .going to bed

Almost There

So not that I'm counting or anything but in 11 days 2 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I can't believe it has been 2 years. It's flown by and it seems it's not slowing down unfortunately. My baby is not much of a baby anymore. He is going to officially be a toddler! Am I saying that right?! Toddler?! What?! No way! YES WAY! Two years old, wow! It's just amazing to me. So much has happened. He has grown so much. From the little 5 lb 6 oz armful of joy Noah has grown into a little boy. He weighs 20 lbs now. As his mother, I see how far he has come in the past 2 years. He is so smart, has formed his own ways of doing things and has developed his own little personality. I wouldn't change anything about him. I love him so much. I cherish the little things he does and says. I praise him for each and every one of his many milestones he reaches.


Can I tell you he finally says "Ma-Ma"!! Yep. I am Ma-Ma. Ha Ha. I love it. It's great to hear him call me and want me. It gives me a feeling that I have never felt before, almost like butterflies with a first love but so much better.


When I go out and about, I always get praises on how handsome Noah is. People ask me how old he is. They think he is about 9 or 12 mths old. Crazy huh? Then I tell them he is almost 2 years old and I get this look like WHAT!?!?!? People don't know. People have no idea. My son was born with Trisomy 21. I love him for the way he is. I get comments like "he is so tiny" or "awww". What does "awww" mean in this case? How should I take that?


On a day to day basis Noah is just like any other toddler :) Really in all honesty he is like a 1 yr old. He is delayed physically, mentally, and cognitively. He doesn't speak as well as a typical 2 yr old should speak. I walk through the stores and I see how people are with their children. Some are mean, hateful, and have no respect for their children. And some are very affectionate and playful with their children. But I think, do they love their children like I love Noah? Do they take their children for granted? I love every minute I get with Noah. Yes, he gets on my nerves sometimes but you know what I would do anything in the world for him and I love him to death. He makes me get up and move forward every day. But when I see these other parents in the store or where ever I see them, I am thinking to myself "Do they worry about their kids the way I worry about Noah?" Probably not. Half of them have not experienced that dreading deep pain or the sense of worrying because their children have to undergo a major surgery or may have a serious medical condition. These parents have no idea. Anything can happen. I am so blessed to have a beautiful little boy with a medical condition. It has taught me so many things and I see life so different. I mean I just don't get it. 


People tell me that I don't want Noah to start walking yet. And that I don't know what's in store for me. Believe me when I say it but I DO! I know my son better than anyone else. He is a busy bee! He moves from one thing to the next in less than 2 minutes and tries to make every mess possible in a short amount of time. When he starts walking it will be worse but I am ready! I have been ready! I am so so stoked to see him walk. I am so excited for him to have the ability to walk. Some children don't get the ability to walk, ever! I want Noah to walk. I push him and push him. I hate it when people tell me that I don't want him to walk. They might not mean it as much as I take what they say to heart, but I take it to heart! That hurts me. This is what I mean by people not really knowing how it is to have a child with a disability. They are blinded and I am sorry for them. They should open their eyes and stop being so deceitful. Why are people like that? Be thankful.


And that's all I have for now. I will update more after Noah's birthday. Later Gators!

More on Life, Specifically Life with Little Man

So work has been crazy. Lots of childish drama. I am hoping it will pass. It will, I guess it just takes time. Things are moving forward. Also, we moved into a new apartment. Yay! We are finally out of government housing. Step one is complete. Haha!

Even though I have completed this one step I sometimes feel a little scared of it not being enough, or failing. I know I can live on mine and Noah's income. I just get scared. I am living on the edge of my possibilities. I have to admit I am afraid of change. I hate change and I don't do well with it. I fear ending up where my ex told me I would, Noah's dad. Even though I care nothing for him, his words stick in my head. I keep hearing him tell me I can't do it on my own. But at the same time I tell myself I can. And I go back and forth. I fear the worst in everything. I know the good Lord is taking care and watching over me but sometimes I still feel the least bit scared. What if I lose my job or have to quit for some reason? I can't quit. But what if something happens? I keep having this feeling that Noah has something wrong, like really wrong with him. With his heart. I am so scared I will just lose him all the sudden one day. I don't know why I feel this way but it scares me to death. I don't know what I would do. I would lose my mind. He is my world. My everything. He is the reason my life is the way it is. I just pray and pray that God keeps him healthy.

I think every mother worries about her children. I just don't want anything to push or pull me backwards. I am moving forwards. I have never came this far on my own so this is all new to me. And I think I have the right to be a little scared.

So I had my first break down the other day. The first real break down. The break down of a single mom. I try so hard. I try so so hard! I want to be the best mom I could ever be to Noah and I am so hard on myself. I want to work and make a living for us. I want nice things for him, and myself too. I want to spend time with him. I work so much. I work almost every single day. Yea it's only part time but I am not use to being away from him every single day. It's really hard on me. I feel like I can't work with him as I should be, because I am working. And I want to spend time with him. I want to give him more attention that I can, or that I am. But I can't because I have to work. Working is just plain hard. I hate it. But it's something that I, as a mother have to do.

I think of my childhood. I think about how it was. The way I felt. The way my brother felt. I think about the things I had. I think about my mom. She tried. But she tried as much as she wanted to. Something took over her life. She was the best mother she thought to be. I want Noah to have a better childhood than I did. I want him to have things and be proud. I want him to be proud of me. I won't allow anything less than he deserves. I am battling one of the most toughest decisions of my life right now. I won't say exactly what but I pray that God heals those sick. I grew up without out a father, hardly a mother, and without grandparents ever really there. I hate Noah may have to grow up without any of these. Yes he has me. But I just wish he had the others as well. It is their choice. Not mine. I am a great mother to my son and thanks to my mom for that. She has really shown me what I should and should not do

On to the next subject. . .Noah. Man he lights up my world! :) He is so close to walking. I can't wait. Seven more weeks and he will be 2 years old. It's crazy how fast time flies by. I remember the day, the night I went to the hospital. It seems like it was yesterday. He has come so far. And he only keeps coming farther and farther. I am so proud of him!

My next blog will be an update from the Down Syndrome Clinic. We have an appt next week. I am excited to see what Dr. Khatri has to say about my little man.

Crazy Days

So lately my life has been a little well, a lot crazy. I started WORKING! Yes I said it. I am a working single mother! Woohooo GO ME!! Let me tell you. . .I have no idea how some mothers work full-time and go to school. There is no time left for the baby, and this saddens me :( But anyways. . .I work part-time. I graduated college too btw. So I work at Southeast Alabama Medical Center as a Dietary Hostess - Aide. I love like my job. It's easy. The things I really don't like about it are the people that work with me (they seem to be really immature) and I really hate seeing people in pain everyday. It hurts. I feel so helpless with them. So it's been a big eye opener for me and my career thoughts. I did want to be a nurse. I don't anymore. I don't think I can handle the stress every day. I have enough stress to deal with in my life. I can't and won't go to work every day of my life feeling bad because I can't make people better. I don't have the energy. It may seem selfish but I need to save my energy for myself and my son. Also, I really don't want to wipe anyone's butt. LOL! I can do blood, but not guts. I can't even stand the smell, none the less looking at it. EW! Anyways, so my plans of becoming a nurse have completely gone out the window. Thank God! LOL! So I sit here and debate. . .I go back and forth. What do I want to be? What kind of schedule do I want to work? I don't want to ever be on call really. I don't want to work holidays or the weekends. So I am thinking of either doing some kind of pediatric therapy such as OT or PT, or else staying in the office setting, kind of behind the scenes. I have an associate's degree in health administration so maybe that's where I need to stay. Or not. I don't know. I am stuck. I haven't totally decided what I will be happy doing. I don't need to decide yet. I am taking a break from school. So yea. . .back to work. Work is easy. I do miss Noah. He is progressing in so many ways yet he could be doing so much better if I wasn't working. My schedule is just now starting to become a little more set so we can actually spend time together and I can work with him again. At first it was really hard on both of us since we are so use to being together 24/7. It gets easier day by day though. Some days I miss him more. I look forward to getting off and him waiting for me. He see's me and smiles. It lights up my world. Then I get the biggest hug ever! :) Aw! I love my Noah! hehehe!

More to make my life a little more crazier is we are MOVING! Not out of Alabama just yet, haha. Just to a new apartment. I haven't completely decided to which one yet. But I gave our 30 days notice today to leave the housing authority. WOOHOO!! Starting another chapter of our life. This mommy is moving up and out of government help slowly but surely. WITHOUT CHILD SUPPORT! WHEW! It's been hard and stressful but I am doing it, and I am doing it all by myself!

I do have to give props to my mom. She is the best. And has been by my side more than I needed her. She gives me advice even when I could care less to hear it. I may take it or I may not. I like to learn on my own. Most importantly she is my mother and loves me and my child unconditionally and I am so thankful for her. She also watches Noah for me while I work. BIG THANKS TO HER! Love you mom! More props to my friends. Jami Fergie, you have lifted me up and made me more open to things I never wanted to think or do. You unlocked my fun and crazy door. You found the key. It has been lost for a long time. So thanks. And thanks for always being there to talk to and give me the best advice a friend could give. We share something so great, no two friends can say they share. Our sons have Down Syndrome. The most amazing little guys ever. You do so well with what you have been through and helping me too. I love you. Props to my son, Noah. He is my rock and pushes me to make myself get through whatever I need to get through. He is the reason for all things I do. And I love him so much. There aren't words to explain it. Also, there is one more person. This person has got me through so much. With my son, with myself emotionally and mentally, and pushed me to do better even though this person may have brought their self down. Huge thanks to Josh, my boyfriend of 2 years off and on. He and I have been through things two people should never go through. We both put each other through misery as well. But HE is the main one to hold me up when I am down. HE was there for me through out my divorce, my pregnancy, and is still there for me. I will not say nor do I care to hear people put him or myself being around him down or talk negatively about him or us. People know half of what has happened to us. People judge him, us. I don't care what he has done to me, or other people in the past. HE is the one the puts a smile on my face. HE is the one that cleans my house when I am to tired. HE is the one that made me want to start going back to church. HE is the one that takes care of my son when I just want to sleep. HE is the one that I can talk to, tell anything to. And I have. HE has been there. So enough said. Big props to him and thanks babe for always being my helping hand and my shoulder even when I made you feel like shit. I love you and always will no matter what happens between us. No one will ever fully understand but it's ok because me and you do. That's all that matters except for God. And he knows the real truth. So Amen.

And that felt good to finally get out. Anyways. . .before I finish this blog I want to say that I am happy with where I am in life. I am so blessed to have a job, be moving into a better place on my own, and to have friends and family that care and to be there for me. I couldn't of done it without you. Most of all thanks for God making it all possible. Many more good things are coming my way. I can feel it. Goodnight and God Bless.

Time for Me

I can't lie. . .being a mom  is really stressful at times being a single mom with a special needs child is definently stressful at times. So I need a break every now and then, a break from life so I can make believe I live in a fairy tale and act like there are no troubles in my life at all. I just need to get away from it all and breathe. Breathing is good right?

So what do I do when I get to breathe? and be free? I volunteer. I go out with my friends. I go to lunch by myself. I find something to do. . .nothing I HAVE to do, because thats not being free. I love being able to be free from life, I love being able to breathe.

I love my son and I love everything I have been blessed with but sometimes people just need a minute to step back and look at their life, away from the picture. I find this peaceful. At the same time it has this excitement where my heart starts pounding and I can't help but to have this happiness and this feeling. It's just amazing. It feels like I am a teenager all over again.